Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
