Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
