I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
