you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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