Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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