you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Did I show you my penis last night?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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