Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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