What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
