so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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