ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Can Purell be used as lube?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
