Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
