I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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