Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
