I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
