Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
what day is it and did you see me today?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
