your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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