we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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