Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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