so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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