its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
