I can text with my tongue
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
All the doctor said was why
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
