my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
