are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
