i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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