can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
