why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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