One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize