It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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