So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
