Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
