Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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