Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
