his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
