i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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