Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
