I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
