You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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