Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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