Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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