Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
