all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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