Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
