i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The beer is more important than you right now.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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