Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
