I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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