he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
