you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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