Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
