This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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