my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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