it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
