You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize