my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
