You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize