Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
