If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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