To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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