rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize