If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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