Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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