I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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