one two three fourrrrnication!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize