Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
