did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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