fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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