Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
